Buying a property can be a highly stressful proposition. For most of us, it’s the most expensive thing we’ll ever buy and has huge financial consequences.
Add to that the pressure of doing it with another person and you’ve got a recipe for emotional upheaval.
A recent survey by US mortgage broker LendingHome found that 60% of couples aged 25 to 45 disagreed with their significant other when buying a house.
But what specifically do couples fight about?
Independent buyers advocate Cate Bakos says the five most common arguments she encounters are:
1. Budget
“A risk-averse person may feel anxious about their partner’s willingness to target a higher priced property brief,” Bakos says.
“Agreeing upfront on budget is integral.”
2. Proximity
“Proximity to friends/family, sometimes an unwillingness to be ‘too close’ to family can get in the way. Other times, the issue of choosing which person’s family to be closer to, if they aren’t on the same side of town, can be the issue.”
3. Forever house v stepping stone house
“Some people are prepared to consider the property is their ‘now’ house with a view to upgrade down the track, but for others, the mere idea of compromising on their ‘forever house’ dreams can create upset,” Bakos says.
4. Who’s doing the work?
“One dedicating more time to the search than the other,” she says.
“Resentment can strike when one partner is doing all of the work and not feeling supported in their shortlisting and decision making.
5. No compromise
“Whether it be the style, the size of the yard, the inclusion of a shed/garage, interior design or layout, sometimes couples have a mismatch on the criteria which is most important to them and occasionally one’s preferences will rule out the other,” Bakos says.
“For example, a small Victorian terrace is on one person’s list when the other wants a yard and garage.”
Bakos says couples don’t always fight about obvious or critical issues.
Lack of compromise over what you want in a house can cause arguments. Picture: Getty
“Sometimes the elements which can cause friction are the ones which are hardest to explain to each other. For example, ‘gut feel’, ‘vibe’ of a house, etc,” she says.
“Being able to articulate specifically what appeals and doesn’t appeal can de-mystify the jargon that is often used when one person likes a property and the other can’t explain why they don’t. Continual inspections and shortlisted attempts can be followed with skepticism or negativity when the other partner keeps saying no.”
Psychologist and director of Moving Mindsets Sarah Godfrey says couples can avoid an all-out house hunting war by getting practical.
“Divide a page in two. One column is a wish list and the second is a compromise list,” Godfrey says.
“Start with the top three suburbs you both agree on in your wish list and then decide on which ones you will compromise on, for example, living in the same suburb as my parents may be the wish but a better house in the suburb of his parents may be the compromise.
“List the things you want – number of rooms, large garden, double garage – and then discuss the compromise.
“Decide together if this is our dream family home or a five-year investment home so we can buy the dream home.”
Even the budget can be discussed in this way, Godfrey says.
“For example, I am happy to spend $10,000 more to get the right house knowing we have no expensive holidays for two or more years. If you have already talked and committed to compromise then becoming rigid and inflexible is less likely, although not always, to occur.”
Setting ground rules before you start means you have boundaries to keep each other in check, she says.
“Buying a house is investing in childhood dreams of happiness, safety, and adulthood. It is a highly emotional and complex decision. We tend to get into difficulty when we let emotions determine rational thinking over what we can and cannot have in our first home.”
